Chasing After Me

“My name is Natalie. N-A-T-A-L-I-E. I’m four-years-old. What’s your name?”

“It’s Dawn. D-A-W-N.”

“Hi Dawn! I’m going to call you ‘friend.’”

And she did.

In the hour I spent with that sweet little girl, she called me “friend” probably 50 times…every single time she spoke with me.

I guess if you need a quick reminder of what really matters you should just ask a homeless four-year-old.

She didn’t care about task lists, finances, work, material items or even family drama. She cared about relationships.

Relationships built on a Jesus kind of love. Maybe Natalie didn’t know it was a Jesus kind of love. But I have no doubt.

You see…Jesus loved me through Natalie tonight. Natalie decided to be my friend. She didn’t know me, but it didn’t matter. She smiled at me. She hugged me. She held my hand. She wiped chocolate from my sleeve. She carried my dirty dishes to the kitchen. She introduced me to her family. She shared a million stories with me.

When you think about it, it’s totally backwards. You see, Natalie is one of eight kids. Her family has been homeless since October. She and her family live out of their car and at shelters. She was excited about getting a pair of shoes today that actually fit. Her entire family has to believe in the goodness of people and the goodness of God working through people to see hope for tomorrow.

I was supposed to be there serving her! Yet, she wanted to be a friend to me. Take care of me. Love me.

She probably never will know how much I needed that friendship tonight. She probably never will know that she made a permanent imprint on my heart. She probably never will know that Jesus loved me through her.

Her unconditional love reminded me of the importance of letting what Jesus pours into me, pour into the lives of others…a love that is unconditionally compassionate…a love that smiles at strangers…a love that genuinely cares…a love not impeded by worry or selfishness.

Thank you, Natalie. Thank you for becoming a piece of my heart. Thank you for reminding me what really matters.

And, God, thank you for Natalie.

* * *

Natalie and her family just found out that they’ve got housing. They’ll be moving into a newly remodeled apartment within two weeks. Thank God. You should have seen how excited Natalie’s mom was…seeing her excitement nearly brought me to tears.

The Family Place is a day shelter serving homeless families in St. Paul, Minn. The majority of their guests are children. Forty-seven percent of the homeless in St. Paul are children and teenagers. Often, their families have lost their housing because of medical emergencies, job losses and even landlord defaults and condemnations. They’ve unexpectedly found themselves in a new and difficult world, a world where hope and dignity are pushed aside to make room for daily survival. My church, Bloom, partners with this organization to serve their guests without agenda.

A call is not a destination…it’s a compass.

Don’t ask where I got that. After doing a lot of reading, studying and reflecting over the holidays, the concept hit me like a train. And, I’ll preface this post by saying that it’s my own reminder to me…I only hope it helps someone else along the way…

You see, I’d like to think I’m not the only one who spends far too much time wondering what is next in life. It’s funny, because the future is something in life that is not guaranteed. Don’t get me wrong. Daydreaming is totally cool. For me, it’s sometimes welcome escapism.

But here’s the deal…what if life isn’t about what’s next? What if it’s not about where you’re going? What if it’s more about why you’re headed in a certain direction?

Would that change how you approach your life? Because the concept is definitely turning my life upside down.

After all, is there really ever a destination in life? Seriously, even if you find a destination, don’t you quickly find a new one to run toward anyway?

Maybe you’ve discovered that burning thing inside of you…maybe not…but it doesn’t matter.

Do you really think you’re done once you figure that out? Of course not. That burning thing simply gives you purpose, passion and direction…not THE answer.

So, why then do we spend so much time stressing about it? You know what’s inside of you. What’s stopping you from running with what you know so far? You’ll learn as you go…every step of the way. If you just start moving, the compass will continue to direct you. And, a compass never stops pointing in a given direction…you only know you’re going in the right direction.

Turning a call into a destination only adds stress, grows ego and leaves you feeling empty. (Can you hear me convincing myself here?!)

Realize. Reframe. Repeat. Remember.

A call is not a destination…it’s a compass.

I wrote something on Twitter Sunday night…it said:

Something I hate more than seeing people putting others into boxes…people putting themselves in boxes. You are unboxable.

I was talking to someone in particular when I said that. I was talking to myself. Reminding myself. Frustrated with myself for not seeing that I’d done it again.

I could pretend that the journey I’m on is all sunshine and rainbows. I mean, it’s about chasing after God’s call on my life…how could it not be all smiles?

Insert sarcasm here.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that I know that I know that the journey I’m on is the right one. But that path still has ditches. Muddy ones. The ones where you twist your ankle and fall and get all covered in grime. But they’re just that. Ditches. Not chasms. They’re nothing you can’t climb out of. Especially when you have help. But you need to know who can help you. You can call to your friends for help. But they can’t reach you. They can’t reach you because they’re on different paths. Unique paths for each one of them. They might be able to see you. But they can’t reach. They can only point you to the one who can reach you.

I’ve realized something…when things get scary, when I realize I need to be strong and crazy enough to be comfortable being me…a me that will never be found on someone else’s path…and that no one else has a path that looks like my own…I look for a box to jump in and hide…somewhere that limits where God can lead me. For the record, those confining boxes are found in ditches.

I knew I was in a ditch. And I was looking to people on paths of their own to try to help me out. Don’t get me wrong. They would have helped me get out if they could have reached me. Problem was, they couldn’t reach me. They were on their own paths. They were busy trying to navigate the twists, turns and ditches on their own paths.

I knew what I needed to get out of my ditch: seemingly simple encouragement. Someone to say I was heading in the right direction…someone to tell me that my talents were useful…someone to say it was OK that I wasn’t like other people…someone to tell me that there is a plan…someone to remind me to seek rest. But, despite the efforts of the amazing people in my life, it wasn’t enough. A couple of days ago, the reason became apparent as I was studying…

John 5:44 (The Voice translation):
…you are consumed by the approval of other men, longing to look good in their eyes, and yet you disregard the approval of the one true God.

Fancy that. Didn’t I feel like an idiot. At that very moment, I realized what was wrong. I was so busy running so fast that I wasn’t listening to all God had for me. You know how sometimes you hear the first few words of what someone is saying and then run with it without listening to the WHOLE thing? That’s what I was doing. And in doing that, I was not listening intently enough to God to hear his affirmation, his love and his encouragement. God was waiting right there with the grace I needed, but I was so busy crying for help that I failed to see his pierced hand in front of my face. He was waiting there, ready to pull me out of the box that was in the ditch and to embrace me, despite being a muddy mess.

For the record, I’m walking again, limping a little maybe, but I know I can walk off the pain with his help.

I can’t believe I’m the only one whose ever felt this. It’s a lonely feeling. But my question for you is: where are you looking for help? Even those closest to you can’t reach the depths of your heart that need to be reached. They’re on their own paths. All of them different and unique. So slow down so you can hear ALL God has for you. Listen. There’s good stuff in there. He is the only encouragement, love and grace with eyes penetrating enough to find you hiding in a box…and with a hand strong enough to pull you out of the mud.

Me:     Who is this person?
God:     The person I envisioned long ago.
Me:     I’m incapable of all of this.
God:     You’re right. But that’s why I’m working through you.

…that’s why I’m working through you. The past two months of my life have been fascinating. Mind-boggling. Overwhelming. Exciting. Exhausting. And, mostly humbling.

What I’ve learned is that when you’re willing to give your life away, your life changes. Dramatically. Be careful when you ask God what is next and are willing to listen to him. You’ll find yourself acting crazy…leaping out with a faith you never knew existed. You’ll quickly realize how completely inadequate you really are.

Your life will get messed up. In a good way. In an unfathomable way. In a way that makes you feel smaller than you’ve ever felt.

It reminds me of (Simon) Peter, Jesus’ disciple. He was a fisherman. After watching Jesus speak to multitudes and performing a fishing miracle with his buddies, Peter felt wholly insufficient to even be in his presence. In fact, he actually asked Jesus to leave because he couldn’t see himself as worthy of being around this amazing man.

But Jesus didn’t care about how Peter saw himself. He only could see the person envisioned long ago…by someone a lot bigger than Peter. Jesus didn’t even listen to Peter’s request to leave. Instead, Jesus told him he needed him. Needed him to be a fisher of men.

Can you imagine how Peter felt? He wasn’t qualified! He was probably thinking…seriously…I fish for a living. I’m screwed up. I literally stink of dead fish! But Jesus didn’t care! In fact, Peter’s life wouldn’t be perfect…he would go on to have moments of unbelief and would even deny Jesus before his crucifixion… Jesus knew that would happen…but Jesus didn’t care. HE NEEDED PETER.

If Jesus needed Peter the fisherman, he needs you. He needs me. He needs us to be willing to listen to him and be the person he created us to be. All different. But all with a purpose. Peter went on to share the story of Jesus because he let Jesus work through him. A fisherman. Seriously. Can you imagine how inadequate Peter felt throughout his whole life?!

I was sitting with some pastors in St. Paul a few weeks ago…one of them shared a powerful nugget of wisdom…they’d studied all of the great leaders in the bible because they were so diverse…wanting to know what the one commonality was…the answer? They all had a healthy dose of inadequacy.

Check the dictionary. Inadequacy is about not being sufficient. And, I am not sufficient. None of us are. But HIS grace is sufficient. Inadequacy reminds us we will never be good enough. Will never be smart enough. Will never be capable. Will never be eloquent enough. By submitting your life to a greater being and a greater calling, all of the gaps are filled.

God:      If your life isn’t a testimony, then what is it?
Me:     Seriously, my story is not that interesting.
God:     Really? Have you tried sharing it? Maybe you shouldn’t be the judge of that.
Me:     I can’t do this.
God:     No you can’t. But I can. Thank you for trusting me.

What. A. Year.

And it’s only October.

Who knew that when I picked this song as my theme for the year that it would unfold the way it did. A story of faith. A story of trust. A story of craziness. God has bigger things in store for you than you have in store for yourself. I guarantee it.

I guest posted my story in a two-part series on a blog by Sherry Surratt, a leading thinker and empowerer of women in ministry…click here to read it!