Chasing After Me

First watch the video (at least the first 30 seconds). Then, let me guess what is going through your head…

• That was awesome.
• What were they thinking?!
• I’d love to do that, but never would.
• Why would anyone do that???
• They are definitely crazy!

Did I get any of them right? If I did, it’s only because it’s what would have gone through my mind until I really thought about this post.

While I don’t plan to literally jump off any cliffs in a wingsuit any time soon, figuratively, I’m not that different from them. Some days I look back at the last six months of my life and am convinced I am certifiably crazy. Others might even call me foolish.

But, I’ve decided craziness is all in the eye of the beholder.

For me, life was going just fine six months ago. Great job. Happy family. Awesome friends. Predictable routine. All-in-all comfortable.

The problem with a life that is “just fine” and “comfortable” is that it lacks zeal. It lacks fire. It lacks vision. It lacks trust in something or someone greater than you. It lacks…well…life, actually.

Several months ago a spark ignited a full-on blaze inside of me…and I have no desire to put it out.

When an opportunity came along for me to resign from my job, I couldn’t stop thinking about what life would serve if I stepped off the cliff. Pursuing a call. Pursuing a purpose. Pursuing craziness. All with a burning never felt before. All with an inexplicable trust in God.

Bye, bye to the comfort of working for a hugely successful, admirable and growing global company in the midst of a global recession. Hello wing suit of faith.

I had relatively logical reasons for leaving…my health, diversifying our family income, filling unmet needs in the marketplace while working for myself…but, mostly, it was this really crazy desire to plant a church called Bloom with amazing friends.

I probably could have stayed at my cushy job to do it, but gave me license to really LIVE Bloom.

It’s easy to list a bunch of superlatives here about how being part of Bloom is changing me. But the more profound way for me to think of the new pursuit is contemplating what wouldn’t have been…

1. FINDING ME: I wouldn’t be chasing after the real me…pursuing God’s plan for me instead of my own plan. Comfort in my own plans was confining my own definition of me to my profession, title and responsibilities. Trust me, the newfound me is much more interesting…much more excited about the future…has many more layers…and is slowly getting more comfortable with my uniqueness.

2. DIVINE TRUST: I wouldn’t have the profound trust I grown to have in God. Given I have no idea what I’m doing, I have to know wisdom is coming from somewhere. Thank God it’s not coming from me.

3. LIVING: I wouldn’t be really alive and fanning the flames of the unquenchable fire that exists when living for a vision. I’d miss this overwhelming compulsion to love others, their individuality, their experiences and all of their cares in a way impossible to describe. I’d be void of a desire never again hold back. That’s quality. That’s life.

Someday maybe I’ll add a wingsuit to the mix. Yeah…no…who am I kidding?! But that’s OK. The point is, I don’t care if people think I’m crazy. Because I see it as a newfound courage. Those guys diving into the open air from cliffs thousands of feet above the ground found something deep inside of themselves. I’m sure of it.

Think before you judge it next time. Crazy? Maybe. Courageous? Definitely.

Find your wing suit and jump.

When craziness unlocks something in your soul, call it courage.

For the first time in my life I have no plans for my future, and I’m OK with that.

In fact, I’m thankful for not knowing. Honestly, right now I’m pretty sure I’d be overwhelmed with fear, disbelief and complete lack of confidence if I knew what my future held.

Frankly, I don’t think my plans count anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. Goals are important. But, for me, my goals are no longer about WHAT I’ll do. My goals are about WHO I’m committed to being…a woman madly in love with her husband…a woman who is open about who she is and how she feels…a woman who cares and wants to serve others…a woman crazy thankful for God’s grace in her imperfect life.

I had to come to the conclusion that if I follow the path of the person I believe I’m created to be, the rest will follow. I can’t plan anymore…because I can’t fathom what stands before me.

A wise woman I know once said courage comes before confidence. For me, it’s been about the courage to be who I am so I can be confident that I’m following the right path in my life. If I have the courage to take one step, the next step will be clearer. In moments I’ll climb quickly…other moments will move slowly. That’s OK, because I’m done scheduling those moments. I’ll never be fulfilled if they’re my own defined moments.

Eleven years ago, I never imagined meeting and marrying the most selfless and generous man on the planet (from Mississippi nonetheless). Eight years ago, I never imagined meeting those who’ve become my closest, life-long friends. Two years ago, I never imagined leaving my wonderful corporate career. A year ago, I never imagined starting my own business. Six months ago, I never imagined planting a church. Yesterday, I never imagined it possible for even more to be stirring on the inside of me.

You see…I can’t plan these things. And I can’t chart where they’ll go. I can only chase after me. The “me” that only God could envision.

I thank God that “eyes haven’t seen and ears haven’t heard the things He has in store for those who love Him.” For me, it’s not about mystery. I firmly believe God is protecting me from my own cowardly human mind because it has much less confidence in me than He has.

For me, the blank space in front of me isn’t a deep chasm of nothingness. It’s a blank page waiting to be filled with colors and designs that no one ever has seen. And, believe me, it’s not just one sheet of paper…it’s a huge book full of them.