I always apologize. For everything…seriously…FOR EVERYTHING.
Some of the things, I absolutely should apologize for.
But I also find myself apologizing…for speaking, for having opinions, for asking questions, for not saying enough, for not fixing something unfixable, for thinking I’m not good enough, for other peoples’ emotions, for my own emotions, for not doing something that was never expected in the first place…it really never ends.
Mostly, if I look at the big picture, I actually apologize unendingly for BEING myself…to the annoyance of the people in life who are most precious.
I always thought that trait was simply compassion…just how I’m wired.
Others might call it perfectionism.
My closest friends might lovingly call it an annoyance.
My (very wise) husband calls it ridiculously self-critical.
This week I’ve been reading Angry Conversations with God, by Susan Isaacs, and something LEAPED off of the page. I haven’t stopped thinking about it. I’m quite certain it was God Himself showing me something. Here’s the quote:
Susan, I think you keep apologizing (to God) because you haven’t accepted forgiveness (from God).
The thing is, it wasn’t the actual words on the page that got to me. When I read that passage over and over again, I saw something different:
Dawn, I think you keep apologizing (to those you love) because you haven’t accepted their acceptance (of you).
The “Dawn” version screamed at me. The realization was startling. More startling, because I now realize I’ve rejected acceptance my entire life.
By rejecting acceptance, I’ve discounted the love that those closest to me constantly and unconditionally offer. And, by doing that, I’ve also rejected God’s attempts to tangibly love me through people who are His hands and feet.
It is the root of something that’s nagged me my entire life…something that has often made me feel lonely…something that has often made me feel insecure…something that could keep me from where I’m supposed to go.
Sorry for my mistakes…but no longer sorry for who I am.