Chasing After Me

She was about six-years-old and wearing red shorts with a short-sleeved white shirt…the front of her shirt was covered a rainbow bursting out of a giant heart.

I think the shirt was quite telling.

It was like her heart was exploding with all the things that rainbows are to little girls…beauty, hope, promise, mystery…and let’s not forget that pot of gold.

That little girl had a big heart, was filled with ideas, and only knew her passions.

As she aged, the same heart and same rainbow were there. But the beauty, hope, promise and mystery exploding from her heart seemed a bit impractical, less relevant, and definitely naïve. Somehow it all seemed a bit clouded…and, strangely, even further away now that she should have been closer.

It was as if, year-after-year, little-by-little, the bigness of the rainbow was being stuffed back into her heart. Still present, but hidden from plain sight.

The thing about the bigness of a bursting rainbow is: it’s hard to stuff. She couldn’t stop thinking about it. Ever. She couldn’t really keep it hidden from others. Curious and observant people could still see it.

But to the six-year-old little girl present in the body of the now 30-something, what she now knew to be beautiful, hope-filled, promise-filled, and intriguingly mysterious, overwhelmed her.

It was all she could think about, but nothing she could let herself do.

Paralysis.

It wasn’t fear of failure. It wasn’t fear of judgment.

It was a question: could what is held in the idealistic heart of a six-year-old really be for life today?

One thing was for sure, all that was longing to explode once again wasn’t anything distance, impracticality, relevance or naïveté could take away.

It’s as if someone intentionally plants desires in young hearts with purpose – so that by the time brains are developed enough to talk the heart out of something, it’s already too deeply ingrained.

There is purity in purpose that comes from this place…I would know, I’m dying to find that shirt once again.

Someone observed something about me last week that was jarring:

I think it’s funny that you talk so much about being an external processor, yet you process things internally a hundred times before you let them out of your mouth.

She was right.

I guess I let the energy I get from being with people, communicating with people, and even simply writing skew my perspective.

The reality is internal or external processing is just that – a process. It’s not good or bad. It’s not stronger or weaker.

The jarring part of what she said is what I realized I let the internal processing do to me.

It. Immobilizes. Me.

Especially in places where I know I’m supposed to be sharing. Like on this blog. Crap, I even have trouble journaling (despite telling everyone I think they should!) because I feel the need for thoughts to be complete first…the need to be formed into something easily digestible, appealing, and certainly important in order to be presented.

Debilitating.

What if I share something that isn’t a complete story? Exposes more weakness or hurt than I’m comfortable with? What if I say something controversial? What if I say something that makes someone angry instead of fulfilled or encouraged? What if I say something plain stupid?

It stresses me out.

Processing holds an important place. But it shouldn’t supersede the processing meant to be shared with others.

So let’s not get in the way of ourselves.

After all, consuming things that are unprocessed mean more nutrients, more vitamins, more strength and, ultimately, more life.

My dear friend Missy Durant is an amazing woman. Her life is overflowing with love and gratitude…and it spreads to everyone she knows. She wrote a book recently, What Matters, and I couldn’t be more excited for her.

I believe in what she’s doing with all of my heart…because it’s beautiful…because I cherish her and her heart.

So, today, I blogged on her web site…take a peek here!

I think a lot. Probably too much. And, for me, writing is cathartic.

One would think that writing would be a perfect solution to too much thinking…it’s journaling, right?!

Here’s my dirty secret…despite frequently suggesting to others that they journal their thoughts…I don’t.

The perfectionist in me is scared of raw, unrefined thoughts becoming real and living outside of my head. The maximizer in me hates writing if no one else can see, learn and relate with things (because I believe everyone’s experiences help someone else).

Excuses.

So here’s what’s going down. I’ve promised myself that I’ll write. I’ve been encouraged by those closest to me to write. I’ve argued with God…He frequently reminds me that writing is a gift He’s given me and wonders why I’m afraid to use it.

If you manage to find these posts in my new “reflecting” category, it won’t be because I’ve announced them on Twitter or Facebook. And, maybe, no one will find them at all. I’m OK with that. These posts will be raw. Maybe, sometimes, something unrefined will evolve into a post more refined. Maybe it won’t. Some days the reflecting might be profound. Other days it might be stupid or shallow. Doesn’t matter…if you follow what I’m writing, you’ll be standing beside me as I splash in a stream of consciousness…be warned, I’m on an exhilarating and exhausting journey…a journey I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Splash around…

Two and a half years ago, my life turned upside down. I left the comfort and security of a solid job to pursue things burning inside of me.

Little did I know at the time that those flames would turn into a full-on inferno of passion and an unstoppable drive to further a mission of grace, love and freedom.

That description probably sounds like sunshine and rainbows, but it’s been hard…and I’ve learned a lot.

Prior to that point in my life, I felt like I knew what I was meant to do…since I loved communications and helping people put thoughts into words, I felt as if I existed to help people embrace the purpose, significance and value in their stories…to help them articulate their stories using their strengths…strengths that maybe they didn’t even realize existed…and then cheer them on to whatever the future held.

Then things changed.

I vividly remember having conversations with my closest friends once I took on my role at Bloom. It sometimes felt awkward and clunky. I remembered saying that I was always used to being in the backseat helping people be great…I wasn’t used to being front-and-center. Looking back, it’s obvious why it felt awkward and clunky, I took my focus off of purpose…tried to embrace a different purpose.

THAT was my biggest mistake.

It was frustrating for a while. Things felt very right, yet somehow off. I couldn’t put my finger on it. After a few months, I finally let things go and just let myself act like Dawn again, and then things felt right…but at the time I didn’t really know why.

Then one day it became crystal clear. It was as if God, himself, was talking to me…and, frankly, I don’t doubt that he was.

“Your purpose never changed. I just gave you a new platform.”

That might sound crazy. That might sound anti-climactic. But, to me, it was jarring, freeing and energizing. A reminder that – no matter what life tosses at me, or where I volunteer my time, or where I work, or whomever I speak to – my purpose lies in encouraging others…and helping them embrace their stories to inspire more people. Sure, throughout my life I’ll have to learn my way around new spaces, but each new venue doesn’t change who I was meant to be. It was then when things began clicking again…because I realized that I could embrace that purpose I knew was always there…in my role at Bloom…in my role at work…as a wife…as a friend. Now, I can say I’m more confident, excited, peaceful and ready to take on new challenges…because I know I can be me no matter where I am.

…and my prayer is that everyone finds that place where they can embrace their purpose…not think it needs to change…not think it’s tied to a specific job, role or earthly relationship…because I genuinely believe it’s God-given and much bigger than that…that purpose will help us do our jobs, be better spouses, be better parents, be better friends…simply be.

***If you haven’t ever read Strengths Finder 2.0, do it. Take the assessment. It’s a great tool and can help you embrace your talents…event things you don’t see as talents right now.

***Take a listen to Bloom’s Purpose Realized series…the messages I heard during this time helped me hear more clearly from God.