One of the biggest enemies of my fulfillment is a lack of confidence.
Because it paralyzes me.
Once it paralyzes me, lack of confidence bleeds into other areas of my life. Once it paralyzes me, by definition, I cannot move…I cannot grow.
It’s a horrible spiral.
When it hits me, it results in a reluctance to embrace all of who I am…to be content with my rarity…to exercise my unique talents and perspectives.
I’m afraid to write. I’m afraid to speak up. I’m afraid to take risks.
It’s no secret that confidence ebbs and flows for everyone…all the time.
I’ve come to learn I’m ripe for a battle with confidence when I forget to spend ample time reflecting upon the things that amaze me…when I begin comparing my God-given purpose to the God-given purposes of others…when challenges begin feeling like free-falling instead of free-flying.
The best weapon in my battle? Realizing my being isn’t an end-state. My being is a through-state.
Realizing that fulfillment comes from embracing who I am, being content with my rarity and seeing my unique talents and perspectives as tools used to love and care for others.
Because then it’s not about believing in myself. It’s about trust in what is being done through me…whether or not I can see it…and that’s faith.
One year ago I was meeting with people to let them know how much their friendships had meant to me over the years.
One year ago I did one most courageous thing I things I’ve ever done…I exchanged a life of routine and predictability for one filled with unknowns.
I left my amazing job of nearly 12 years to help friends plant a church…to start my own communications business…to learn more about myself.
Sounds cushy, right? Nope.
Crazy. Lost. Weak. Dense. Alone.
That’s how I’ve felt throughout the past year.
Stretched. Grateful. Loved. Fulfilled. Found.
That’s also how I’ve felt.
You see, courage doesn’t exist without risk.
Walking a path of unpredictability is hard. You end up tripping over yourself more than anything else. You doubt yourself. Question your decisions. You wonder who you are. And then you remember that it’s part of the ride. The courageous ride. The ride that shows promise of something great on the other side, even if you can’t see clearly what it is in the moment.
And, when you stop to remember the purpose, the ride becomes euphoric. It has meaning. You just need to put yourself in a place where you can see goodness and promise even in those dim moments.
My point? Opportunity is not painless. Even when it is what you know that you’re supposed to be doing. Even when you’re pursuing your passion and standing in your truth.
A year later, I’d make the same choice 1000 times over…even knowing all I’d feel. Because I’d also know the purpose found on the other side. The purpose to Bloom.
Consider this a thank you note of sorts. A thank you to Best Buy and all of my amazing colleagues…for all you plant in your people…for all I learned…for all of your encouragement…and, dare I say, all your love. A year later I still feel it. And, it helped me discover purpose. I am forever grateful.
Me: Who is this person?
God: The person I envisioned long ago.
Me: I’m incapable of all of this.
God: You’re right. But that’s why I’m working through you.
…that’s why I’m working through you. The past two months of my life have been fascinating. Mind-boggling. Overwhelming. Exciting. Exhausting. And, mostly humbling.
What I’ve learned is that when you’re willing to give your life away, your life changes. Dramatically. Be careful when you ask God what is next and are willing to listen to him. You’ll find yourself acting crazy…leaping out with a faith you never knew existed. You’ll quickly realize how completely inadequate you really are.
Your life will get messed up. In a good way. In an unfathomable way. In a way that makes you feel smaller than you’ve ever felt.
It reminds me of (Simon) Peter, Jesus’ disciple. He was a fisherman. After watching Jesus speak to multitudes and performing a fishing miracle with his buddies, Peter felt wholly insufficient to even be in his presence. In fact, he actually asked Jesus to leave because he couldn’t see himself as worthy of being around this amazing man.
But Jesus didn’t care about how Peter saw himself. He only could see the person envisioned long ago…by someone a lot bigger than Peter. Jesus didn’t even listen to Peter’s request to leave. Instead, Jesus told him he needed him. Needed him to be a fisher of men.
Can you imagine how Peter felt? He wasn’t qualified! He was probably thinking…seriously…I fish for a living. I’m screwed up. I literally stink of dead fish! But Jesus didn’t care! In fact, Peter’s life wouldn’t be perfect…he would go on to have moments of unbelief and would even deny Jesus before his crucifixion… Jesus knew that would happen…but Jesus didn’t care. HE NEEDED PETER.
If Jesus needed Peter the fisherman, he needs you. He needs me. He needs us to be willing to listen to him and be the person he created us to be. All different. But all with a purpose. Peter went on to share the story of Jesus because he let Jesus work through him. A fisherman. Seriously. Can you imagine how inadequate Peter felt throughout his whole life?!
I was sitting with some pastors in St. Paul a few weeks ago…one of them shared a powerful nugget of wisdom…they’d studied all of the great leaders in the bible because they were so diverse…wanting to know what the one commonality was…the answer? They all had a healthy dose of inadequacy.
Check the dictionary. Inadequacy is about not being sufficient. And, I am not sufficient. None of us are. But HIS grace is sufficient. Inadequacy reminds us we will never be good enough. Will never be smart enough. Will never be capable. Will never be eloquent enough. By submitting your life to a greater being and a greater calling, all of the gaps are filled.
God: If your life isn’t a testimony, then what is it?
Me: Seriously, my story is not that interesting.
God: Really? Have you tried sharing it? Maybe you shouldn’t be the judge of that.
Me: I can’t do this.
God: No you can’t. But I can. Thank you for trusting me.
First watch the video (at least the first 30 seconds). Then, let me guess what is going through your head…
• That was awesome.
• What were they thinking?!
• I’d love to do that, but never would.
• Why would anyone do that???
• They are definitely crazy!
Did I get any of them right? If I did, it’s only because it’s what would have gone through my mind until I really thought about this post.
While I don’t plan to literally jump off any cliffs in a wingsuit any time soon, figuratively, I’m not that different from them. Some days I look back at the last six months of my life and am convinced I am certifiably crazy. Others might even call me foolish.
But, I’ve decided craziness is all in the eye of the beholder.
For me, life was going just fine six months ago. Great job. Happy family. Awesome friends. Predictable routine. All-in-all comfortable.
The problem with a life that is “just fine” and “comfortable” is that it lacks zeal. It lacks fire. It lacks vision. It lacks trust in something or someone greater than you. It lacks…well…life, actually.
Several months ago a spark ignited a full-on blaze inside of me…and I have no desire to put it out.
When an opportunity came along for me to resign from my job, I couldn’t stop thinking about what life would serve if I stepped off the cliff. Pursuing a call. Pursuing a purpose. Pursuing craziness. All with a burning never felt before. All with an inexplicable trust in God.
Bye, bye to the comfort of working for a hugely successful, admirable and growing global company in the midst of a global recession. Hello wing suit of faith.
I had relatively logical reasons for leaving…my health, diversifying our family income, filling unmet needs in the marketplace while working for myself…but, mostly, it was this really crazy desire to plant a church called Bloom with amazing friends.
I probably could have stayed at my cushy job to do it, but gave me license to really LIVE Bloom.
It’s easy to list a bunch of superlatives here about how being part of Bloom is changing me. But the more profound way for me to think of the new pursuit is contemplating what wouldn’t have been…
1. FINDING ME: I wouldn’t be chasing after the real me…pursuing God’s plan for me instead of my own plan. Comfort in my own plans was confining my own definition of me to my profession, title and responsibilities. Trust me, the newfound me is much more interesting…much more excited about the future…has many more layers…and is slowly getting more comfortable with my uniqueness.
2. DIVINE TRUST: I wouldn’t have the profound trust I grown to have in God. Given I have no idea what I’m doing, I have to know wisdom is coming from somewhere. Thank God it’s not coming from me.
3. LIVING: I wouldn’t be really alive and fanning the flames of the unquenchable fire that exists when living for a vision. I’d miss this overwhelming compulsion to love others, their individuality, their experiences and all of their cares in a way impossible to describe. I’d be void of a desire never again hold back. That’s quality. That’s life.
Someday maybe I’ll add a wingsuit to the mix. Yeah…no…who am I kidding?! But that’s OK. The point is, I don’t care if people think I’m crazy. Because I see it as a newfound courage. Those guys diving into the open air from cliffs thousands of feet above the ground found something deep inside of themselves. I’m sure of it.
Think before you judge it next time. Crazy? Maybe. Courageous? Definitely.
Find your wing suit and jump.
When craziness unlocks something in your soul, call it courage.
For the first time in my life I have no plans for my future, and I’m OK with that.
In fact, I’m thankful for not knowing. Honestly, right now I’m pretty sure I’d be overwhelmed with fear, disbelief and complete lack of confidence if I knew what my future held.
Frankly, I don’t think my plans count anyway.
Don’t get me wrong. Goals are important. But, for me, my goals are no longer about WHAT I’ll do. My goals are about WHO I’m committed to being…a woman madly in love with her husband…a woman who is open about who she is and how she feels…a woman who cares and wants to serve others…a woman crazy thankful for God’s grace in her imperfect life.
I had to come to the conclusion that if I follow the path of the person I believe I’m created to be, the rest will follow. I can’t plan anymore…because I can’t fathom what stands before me.
A wise woman I know once said courage comes before confidence. For me, it’s been about the courage to be who I am so I can be confident that I’m following the right path in my life. If I have the courage to take one step, the next step will be clearer. In moments I’ll climb quickly…other moments will move slowly. That’s OK, because I’m done scheduling those moments. I’ll never be fulfilled if they’re my own defined moments.
Eleven years ago, I never imagined meeting and marrying the most selfless and generous man on the planet (from Mississippi nonetheless). Eight years ago, I never imagined meeting those who’ve become my closest, life-long friends. Two years ago, I never imagined leaving my wonderful corporate career. A year ago, I never imagined starting my own business. Six months ago, I never imagined planting a church. Yesterday, I never imagined it possible for even more to be stirring on the inside of me.
You see…I can’t plan these things. And I can’t chart where they’ll go. I can only chase after me. The “me” that only God could envision.
I thank God that “eyes haven’t seen and ears haven’t heard the things He has in store for those who love Him.” For me, it’s not about mystery. I firmly believe God is protecting me from my own cowardly human mind because it has much less confidence in me than He has.
For me, the blank space in front of me isn’t a deep chasm of nothingness. It’s a blank page waiting to be filled with colors and designs that no one ever has seen. And, believe me, it’s not just one sheet of paper…it’s a huge book full of them.
