Chasing After Me

One year ago I was packing up boxes at my desk.

One year ago I was meeting with people to let them know how much their friendships had meant to me over the years.

One year ago I did one most courageous thing I things I’ve ever done…I exchanged a life of routine and predictability for one filled with unknowns.

I left my amazing job of nearly 12 years to help friends plant a church…to start my own communications business…to learn more about myself.

Sounds cushy, right? Nope.

Crazy. Lost. Weak. Dense. Alone.

That’s how I’ve felt throughout the past year.

Stretched. Grateful. Loved. Fulfilled. Found.

That’s also how I’ve felt.

You see, courage doesn’t exist without risk.

Walking a path of unpredictability is hard. You end up tripping over yourself more than anything else. You doubt yourself. Question your decisions. You wonder who you are. And then you remember that it’s part of the ride. The courageous ride. The ride that shows promise of something great on the other side, even if you can’t see clearly what it is in the moment.

And, when you stop to remember the purpose, the ride becomes euphoric. It has meaning. You just need to put yourself in a place where you can see goodness and promise even in those dim moments.

My point? Opportunity is not painless. Even when it is what you know that you’re supposed to be doing. Even when you’re pursuing your passion and standing in your truth.

A year later, I’d make the same choice 1000 times over…even knowing all I’d feel. Because I’d also know the purpose found on the other side. The purpose to Bloom.

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Consider this a thank you note of sorts. A thank you to Best Buy and all of my amazing colleagues…for all you plant in your people…for all I learned…for all of your encouragement…and, dare I say, all your love. A year later I still feel it. And, it helped me discover purpose. I am forever grateful.

I love getting new clothes. Especially the clothes I get from my hubby.

They’re edgier and sassier than what I’d pick out for myself.

And then I try them on.

I usually love the way they look, but am nervously uncomfortable with them because they’re a little different from what I’m used to.

Yep. That’s me right now. Metaphorically, of course (although I can always go for a trip to Ann Taylor Loft…I’m just sayin’!).

My life changed in February, and I’m still trying to get comfortable. It’s not a bad thing. At all. It’s just so different that I’m still uneasy in my new attire.

I left my cushy corporate job to pursue me. I started my own business. I joined friends in planting a church. I’ve become addicted to chasing after the person that I believe I’m supposed to be, instead of the person everyone expects me to be. Sounds brave in the moment. Until I bend over and realize that my butt crack shows in the new pants. Doh! (Don’t even try to pretend like this has never happened to you…especially the ladies…).

In moments, I honestly feel like I know absolutely nothing. In moments, I feel like I have nothing to offer. In moments, I wonder what the heck I got myself into and wonder if I can really do this.

I feel exposed.

Reminds me of the new outfits from hubby…I may need to wear a belt or find a longer shirt, but I can make them work. In fact they usually start to fit better over time. Even perfect. I get comfortable. No more butt crack and no longer exposed because I’ve adjusted a few things to make it work. In the end (no pun intended), those outfits from hubby usually end up being my favorite clothes…and the ones that give me the most confidence.

The truth is though…I’m not there yet. The clothes fit, but they’re different. Pretty soon I’ll get used to them and shake the self-consciousness. Simply knowing it’s a time of adjustment helps a lot.

Until God buys me new clothes again. That’s right, no clothes stay in style forever. Dang.

It’s OK though, because I’ll never find the perfect outfit for the perfect event unless I try things on and give them a go. I’ll get comfortable. I’ll shake the anxiousness. And if I need to adjust, I’ll fix it along the way. Because, really, who knows what will be in style next year anyway…