Chasing After Me

I love writing. I love being vulnerable. I believe deeply that every thought and experience one person has can change at least one other life for the better.

So why is writing this blog (and the five book ideas in my head!) hard for me? Maybe it’s because I know that I know that I know that it’s something I should be doing and I put ridiculous pressure on myself.  Maybe it’s because I think doing other things with my time are more fruitful. Maybe it’s because it’s because it requires me to publish unrefined thoughts. Maybe it’s because a part of me is afraid of the vastness of where things could lead. I don’t know. It’s probably all of that.

But, I’m surrounded by amazing human beings. Amazing human beings who don’t know that they even hold me accountable to doing what I love…hold me accountable to not discounting what I love…hold me accountable for something they know I’m supposed to be doing, too. I’m grateful for them. They keep me going.

I think we all inexplicably avoid things we’re passionate about. And I think it’s because of fear. It’s stupid becaus, if it’s a passion of ours, and it’s a competency of ours, then it is our strength….and I believe that God operates through the unique talents he’s given each of us…operates through us. Why wouldn’t we give our strengths to Him, too? What’s to be afraid of? Because, perfect love casts out fear.

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Take a few more. Remember how much you’re loved. Trust that love. Trust the peace. And let God take over…no fear…we’re not alone.

Empty buckets.

We all deal with them from time-to-time. It doesn’t mean we’re sad or depressed or unhappy. It just means we’re not putting any fuel in our tanks.

For some, fuel is solitude.

For some, fuel is accomplishments.

For some, fuel is adventure.

For some, fuel is exercise.

For some, fuel is people.

It’s important to know what your fuel is. I only know because it took me 35 years to figure out that my tank runs on people.

What happens when you don’t know what your fuel is? You might get depressed. You might get crabby. You likely won’t feel fulfilled.

And, everyone has a different kind of fuel.

The thoughts are front and center for me this week because I was a task machine…got a ton of work done. But, I decided to work from home. And neither my husband, nor roommates were home. For me, one day of solitude is good. Two days gets exhausting. Three days makes me restless. Four days makes me crabby. Five days makes me hypersensitive. And, pretty soon, I find myself in a spiral of not wanting to be around anyone, yet knowing that people are my fuel.

My guess is that the cycle is similar for anyone who doesn’t know what their fuel is…or doesn’t take steps to fill it.

Remember, we all need fuel…and fuel isn’t a crutch. Your fuel is probably tied to the strengths of who you are as a human being.

Sponges will come along and dry up your fuel. And that’s to be expected. But we always want to be sure there’s something in the bucket…otherwise we’ll be left bone dry…with nothing left to give.

Fuel up, my friends.

I think a lot. Probably too much. And, for me, writing is cathartic.

One would think that writing would be a perfect solution to too much thinking…it’s journaling, right?!

Here’s my dirty secret…despite frequently suggesting to others that they journal their thoughts…I don’t.

The perfectionist in me is scared of raw, unrefined thoughts becoming real and living outside of my head. The maximizer in me hates writing if no one else can see, learn and relate with things (because I believe everyone’s experiences help someone else).

Excuses.

So here’s what’s going down. I’ve promised myself that I’ll write. I’ve been encouraged by those closest to me to write. I’ve argued with God…He frequently reminds me that writing is a gift He’s given me and wonders why I’m afraid to use it.

If you manage to find these posts in my new “reflecting” category, it won’t be because I’ve announced them on Twitter or Facebook. And, maybe, no one will find them at all. I’m OK with that. These posts will be raw. Maybe, sometimes, something unrefined will evolve into a post more refined. Maybe it won’t. Some days the reflecting might be profound. Other days it might be stupid or shallow. Doesn’t matter…if you follow what I’m writing, you’ll be standing beside me as I splash in a stream of consciousness…be warned, I’m on an exhilarating and exhausting journey…a journey I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Splash around…

Two and a half years ago, my life turned upside down. I left the comfort and security of a solid job to pursue things burning inside of me.

Little did I know at the time that those flames would turn into a full-on inferno of passion and an unstoppable drive to further a mission of grace, love and freedom.

That description probably sounds like sunshine and rainbows, but it’s been hard…and I’ve learned a lot.

Prior to that point in my life, I felt like I knew what I was meant to do…since I loved communications and helping people put thoughts into words, I felt as if I existed to help people embrace the purpose, significance and value in their stories…to help them articulate their stories using their strengths…strengths that maybe they didn’t even realize existed…and then cheer them on to whatever the future held.

Then things changed.

I vividly remember having conversations with my closest friends once I took on my role at Bloom. It sometimes felt awkward and clunky. I remembered saying that I was always used to being in the backseat helping people be great…I wasn’t used to being front-and-center. Looking back, it’s obvious why it felt awkward and clunky, I took my focus off of purpose…tried to embrace a different purpose.

THAT was my biggest mistake.

It was frustrating for a while. Things felt very right, yet somehow off. I couldn’t put my finger on it. After a few months, I finally let things go and just let myself act like Dawn again, and then things felt right…but at the time I didn’t really know why.

Then one day it became crystal clear. It was as if God, himself, was talking to me…and, frankly, I don’t doubt that he was.

“Your purpose never changed. I just gave you a new platform.”

That might sound crazy. That might sound anti-climactic. But, to me, it was jarring, freeing and energizing. A reminder that – no matter what life tosses at me, or where I volunteer my time, or where I work, or whomever I speak to – my purpose lies in encouraging others…and helping them embrace their stories to inspire more people. Sure, throughout my life I’ll have to learn my way around new spaces, but each new venue doesn’t change who I was meant to be. It was then when things began clicking again…because I realized that I could embrace that purpose I knew was always there…in my role at Bloom…in my role at work…as a wife…as a friend. Now, I can say I’m more confident, excited, peaceful and ready to take on new challenges…because I know I can be me no matter where I am.

…and my prayer is that everyone finds that place where they can embrace their purpose…not think it needs to change…not think it’s tied to a specific job, role or earthly relationship…because I genuinely believe it’s God-given and much bigger than that…that purpose will help us do our jobs, be better spouses, be better parents, be better friends…simply be.

***If you haven’t ever read Strengths Finder 2.0, do it. Take the assessment. It’s a great tool and can help you embrace your talents…event things you don’t see as talents right now.

***Take a listen to Bloom’s Purpose Realized series…the messages I heard during this time helped me hear more clearly from God.

On Sunday at Bloom, I put a shared a picture of a seemingly confident and happy woman 22-year-old woman on the big screen for all to see.

The young woman was just out of college and, on the surface, looked as if she was happier than happy and probably had all of her crap together.

But, in all actuality, it was a girl who had struggled for years with things that many people struggle with… starving herself and then forcing herself to puke when she did eat…racking up crazy amounts of credit card debt at a very young age with no great way to pay it off…going out every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night…drinking too much…finding guys to pay attention to her. In many moments, she was afraid the façade would crack, and that people would instantly see her thoughts of inadequacy, imperfection and brokenness. That they would instantly see that she was a sham.

You know people who feel this way. In fact the “people” are probably you.

I would know.

I had to put that picture up on Sunday as I shared with my dear friend Tamara about seeing ourselves as God sees us…I had to put that picture up because it was me…because it was a me who saw herself as broken.

A couple weeks back, when we were mapping out that message, one of my best and most trusted friends mortified me when he shared that some people think I’m always confident and strong and that I don’t make mistakes. I was mortified because didn’t want that to be the case. Ever. I wanted people to see me as transparent. Those closest to me know that a “confident, strong and perfect” Dawn is not reality. But what kept me awake all that night was a burning desire to lay some of the hard stuff out there…a desire to embrace transparency. Not because I was trying to hide anything from anyone, but because those real moments are the moments that can connect people with hope.

Those moments connect people with hope because they can see an anchor of hope at work in your own life…when they can see you smile despite what you’ve gone through or are going through…when they see you can cry, yet still cling to hope to keep breathing…when they see another imperfect soul find love and acceptance from their higher power.

We all go through crap. We all do stupid things. We all have moments of weakness. We all have moments of feeling gross and dirty. But we often carry all of those feelings behind a façade of a smile. Those moments are integral parts of our stories. And, for me, I believe that God – thanks to Jesus – sees me perfect, holy and righteous, despite those moments of inadequacy…those moments in the past, those I’m living now, and those I’ll face in the future.

Embrace your whole story…not just the highlights…the highs and lows complete the story. Even the crap…because I believe God turns crap into fertilizer…where there is crap, beautiful things can grow.